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14 June 2020
Drunk explanation of TCP and HTTP
An alternative answer to a tired interview question
What happens when you type 'www.google.com' into your browser - a drunk explains
I wanna go, right, I wanna go to that big search engine thingy, website - wassisname. Hassnent paid any taxes in yeeeears, y'know. Nothing. Zip. Nada, Zilch. Bastards, they are. Wish I didn't pay any tax. Can't talk politicz inna bar tho.
Make all this money then they do this trick with being in Ireland but not really in Ireland, right, and they, erm, they hide it all behind the bins at the Guinness factory, that's not zigackly worrit is, like, nah, that doesn't sound quite right does it, but it's summat like that, yeah, anyway where was I?
Yeah, so Google are this - oh, yeah,
that's what I was doing. Google. Right, I wanna go to
Wot, no I'm not leaving the bar, I'm staying here *and* going to google - at the same time as I'm staying in the bar, it's like a cyber mini-me going out to google even though I'm staying in this bar because it's warm and there's beer and there's lovely Linda behind the bar too, and; where was I?
Oh yeah, so
www.google.com right? Do
I know it? Where are they? Where do they live? I know where you live and I know your parents too,
you little sh... er no, that's another thing. Shomewun told me they
live behind the bins of the Guinness factory... nah, that doesn't
sound right. Erm, right, so have I got it in my little black book?
Lessava look at the little black book, leeeettle black book, I've got a
little black book with my poems in - keep trying to get lovely
Linda's number in mah little black book, haven't coaxed it
out of her yet somehow, no idea why she's im- im- immuno-compromised
to my effer- effing - effervescent charms. Bitsh.
Er roight, it ain't there,
anyway. Gonna get the big guns out now. I gorra number here for big
.com, yeah the big fella himself, the good old dot in dot-com, he
owes me a favour you know? Mate of mine, Gary - bit of a dick - thought
he'd buy sex.com waaay way back when t'internet was a speck of a
thing, and this other bloke nicked it off 'im, 'e did, hacked into
the internet itself like Neo in his Matiz, no not Matiz, the Matrix,
that's it, like Neo out of Bill and Ted, he hacked in and stole
sex.com off of my mate Gary. Furious, 'e was, and then the bastard
went and sent a fax - a fax! a faaax! Remember faxes? Haahahahahaaa! You're too
young for that little snapper, but he sent a fax to say "no I didn't hack it,
I'm the perv who owned sex.com from the gecko, honest guv!" and poor old Gary
had to say "no, I'm the perv, not that Stevie twat" and it
got soooo messy, I had to step in and sort it out, I gave 'em all a
big kicking, like this, right, and bish-bash-bosh they all came to my
way of finking, yeah? So
.com owes me a huuuge favour, and I've got
.com's number in mi little black book, a'right?
I mean, I've gorra hint anyway.
Soooooo. He's gonna
tell me where to get hold of that
google.com bugger. Right. Where was
I? Linda? Nooo, she's giving me that look again, not messing with
Linda. Lovely Linda. Ahh. Google! Google! Thazzit. Right, I'm gonna axe
.com where I
find this Google chancer, get him to pay his bar bill, no his taxes,
pay his taxes right, oh wait, no I want to axe him summat. Not sure
what it was now, but right. 'ere we go.
Right. Yeah. I'm gonna get this big
.com feller to
tell me where to find
www.google.com. Gonna gerris nameserver coz
these internet dweebs are all into their blonde birds and dragons,
no, 'ang on I'm thinking of that Game of Thrones now aren't I?
Dungeons! Dungeons! Phwoar, Linda and Khaleesi in a dunge - no,
that's not it - Dungeons and Dragons! That's what it is, these
internet geeks are all into their geeky little board games so I've
got to axe the dot-com feller for the googly nameserver, which is like their sad little dungeonmaster thing, dig it,
So I dig for google.com nameserver, like this
dig google.com NS see,
and the dot com feller gives me thiiiiiiiis
. Wow, thasalorra
nameservers, these googly bods are full-on geeks. Feck it, I'm gonna
pick one that's easy. Right.
188.8.131.52, two one
six dot, hang on, start again, I'm gonna put this in my little black
book for next time, right, two one six dot two three nine dot two
three nine dot two three hang on have I done this bit already? Right,
thirty eight and ten. Forty eight! Forty eight! Oh no, I don't need
that. Spare maths, that was! Just some extra maths you got for free
there matey! No charge! 38 and 10 is 48. But yeah, this is 38 and 10,
they're different bits of it. Well they're bytes, not bits, but you
donnawanna gerrinto all of that! Nibbles! Hah! Nibbles! They call em
nibbles you know! Half a byte! Boom boom!
God I'm tired all of a sudden. Where were we?
Google, don't pay any tax the little twisters, didja know that? Them
and Amazon and Starbucks, not a penny. So anyways, I goes to
184.108.40.206 and I axe it why it's called a number, and yeah,
computer stuff is stupid, computers don't know about anything but
numbers! ones and noughts yasee - looksie, these numbers are just ones
and noughts, look, it, oh well this lot starts with a 2, but it's all
ones and zeroes really, this is just a, erm, anyway. I want
www.google.com, so I
dig @220.127.116.11 www.google.com and it spits
all this gibberish
- wow, that's hard to focus on.
They ought to do this in focus,
that's bang out of order sending the stuff back all out of focus.
Right. So the A record is
18.104.22.168. Hah! Yeah, that's a one. Then a, oh, a seven, well
it's ones and noughts really right, there's this stuff they do with
it that they can make it into ones and noughts and even into stuff
where letters become numbers, but only some letters - they're not
crazy! A and B are allowed to become numbers when it's special, but
not like X or Z or anything, that'd be stupid. Osbiussly. Well then, I'm going
to talk to this
22.214.171.124 chancer and see what he's got to say
for himself. I'm hungry, are there any nibbles on the bar - hah!
nibbles! remember! Nibbles! Stupid geeks. Nope. No cookies.
Shame, the google likes it when I give it a cookie; nobody knows why. Most of 'em look something like when I fall on my keyboard after a leeeeetle bit of overinjuddger, overid, overinjulian, er, over-in-drinking too much. Not even just numbers and letters, they make everything on the keyboard into a number, the dirty, dirty, nasty where was I?
Right. Neeeeearly there now, we'ze neeearly dunnit.
I'm gonna get some of that septic tank, no, norra septic tank that'd be daft. Auntie who? Auntie Linda? No, it's o'th' tip of my tongue, it's antiseptictank no it's antiseptic, that's what I need now. Eh? what's antiseptic? Have yer cut yersen? Toughen up yer little wimp, you've never even used a fax. A faaaax! Hahaha! Oh, where was I? Oh yeah, antiseptic, yeah, we need some TCP. Wipe a bit of TCP on it and we're good to go.
An' this is how the TCP works, okay? I'm a good roamin' catlick boy, I confess my syn to
126.96.36.199 and the priest (and the priest is called
80 cos he's holy or summit, okay? And 80 rhymes with holy, oh I dunno, it jussst is 80, you can get a secret confesshun with priest four-four-fhree, but there's sososososo much stuff widdat, I'd need another ten pints tah get fhru allovat stuff) so this priest called 80 he ask, no, askiew, no - priest google eighty acknowledges it and he
confesses his syn to me... I don't understand all this modern stuff
going on these days, when I were a lad you confess your syn to the priest and then the other stuff happened and that was the end of it but now he sends his syn to me and then I acknowledge his syn, and we can shake
hands! Hurrah! Cheers! Drink up, lad. Something like that. Anyway, once we've shook hands - that
must be why we needed the TCP, can't be too careful these days - we can have a chat. And I say I want
GET http://www.google.com/ and that's a dead old fassuned way to do it, the
fancy shmancy new way is to say I want that and then - then - then -
I say I want it as
HTTP/1.0 and that means I've got to tell it again
that I want the
Host: www.google.com which is just stuupid stuff,
it's political correctness gone mad, I tell you, mad.
Anyway, once I've
www.google.com I type in shellscript.sh drunk explain tcp
and this is where we ended up!
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